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Inspirational Quotations
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Do’s and Don’t of Dealing With Difficult People 1. Do Make Sure That You’re Not the One Being Difficult: Perhaps the problems that concern you have their origin, at least partially, within yourself. If so, then you, at least partially, are the one being difficult. 2. Don’t Try to Change the Other Person: Unless the person you’re trying to change is a young child, and unless and you are that child’s parent or guardian, don’t try to change him or her. Why? Because teenagers and adults change only when they want to, not when you want them to. 3. Don’t Lecture: Lectures inevitably devolve into nagging; nagging creates animosity, not lasting change. Since the unfortunate habit of nagging usually creates more problems than it solves, save your breath. 4. Do Insist Upon Logical Consequences to Irresponsible Behavior: When you enable misbehaving people to continue in their misbehavior without adverse consequences, you’re doing those people a profound disservice. Most people learn new behaviors only when old behaviors don’t work, so don’t be an enabler. 5. Don’t Allow Yourself to Become Caught Up in the Other Person’s Emotional Outbursts: If someone is ranting, raving, or worse, you have the right to get up and leave. Remember: Emotions are highly contagious, so if the other person is angry, you will soon become angry, too. Instead, you should make the conscious effort to remain calm . . . and part of remaining calm may be leaving the scene. 6. Do Stand Up for Yourself: If you’re being mistreated, either physically, emotionally, or professionally, it’s time to start taking care of yourself. But remember that standing up for yourself doesn’t require an angry outburst on your part; you can (and probably should) stand up for yourself in a calm, mature, resolute manner. And you should do so now. 7. Do Stand Up for Yourself, Part 2: If you’re the victim of continuous verbal criticism from another person, and if that criticism is disproportionate or unwarranted, then you must find the courage to demand better treatment. And, if you’re the person who is berating you (with an unrelenting barrage of negative self-talk), then you must learn to think more productively about yourself, your opportunities, your potential, and your world. 8. Don’t Psychoanalyze: Unless you’re a trained professional working in a therapeutic setting, you probably don’t have enough information to psychoanalyze your friends or family members. So resist the temptation to waste your time and energy as an amateur psychologist. Concern yourself, instead, with behaviors and with the consequences of those behaviors. 9. Do Consider Physiology: A wide range of physical maladies can cause folks to behave in troublesome ways. These conditions include, but are not limited to: chronic pain, clinical depression, exhaustion, PMS, manic behavior, or addiction. Individuals suffering from these conditions are better served by treatment than by castigation. 10. When Appropriate, Try to Help Close Family Members and Very Close Friends Find Professional Help: If you’re a relative or a very close friend of a person with emotional difficulties (including but not limited to those mentioned above), it’s entirely appropriate to help that person find professional assistance. 11. Don’t Make Repeated Rescue Attempts That Interfere With the Logical Consequences of Habitual Misbehavior: Leave repeated rescue attempts to trained professionals. If you’re the Mother of All Enablers, stop! Your bailout efforts may be doing more harm than good. Oftentimes, the logical consequences of misbehavior are the best teachers. 12. Don’t Confuse “Difficult” with “Demanding”: Demanding leaders and genuine friends help us improve ourselves; difficult people achieve the opposite. 13. Don’t Try to Please Everybody: People pleasers tend to attract difficult people like magnets attract iron shavings. If you’re conducting a revolving-door counseling service for friends, acquaintances, and people you hardly even know, don’t be surprised if you are making your own life much more difficult. And, if you can’t say “no” to other people, you will bring needless injury to yourself and to those you love. You can’t please everybody, nor should you. 14. Do Consider Your Options: If you’re involved in a relationship that is troubling to you, you have options: if that person is a spouse or close relative, you may seek counseling; if that person is a friend, you have every right to call “time-out” on the friendship. 15. Don’t Obsess, Regress, Explode, or Implode: All the fretting in the world won’t change things, but in many cases, you can. Remember: You don’t change things by worrying; you change things by doing. The way to improve your life is: 1) to think carefully about your situation and 2) to take decisive action. 16. Don’t Exaggerate the Magnitude of Difficulties Confronting You: Perhaps your problems are a mountain; perhaps they’re a molehill. If they’re the former, start climbing. If they’re the latter, don’t confuse them with the former. 17. Don’t Pretend That Everything Is Okay if It’s Not: Ignoring problems is the best way to magnify them, and that includes problems with difficult people. So if you’re having chronic problems with someone you know or love, face those problems head on. 18. Talk to Yourself Rationally, Not Angrily: Your own self-talk will determine, to a surprising extent, the way that you feel and the way that you behave. Make certain that your thoughts are based firmly in reality. Be a realistic optimist. 19. Don’t Kick the Dog, Your Kid, Your Spouse, or Innocent Bystanders: If you’ve had a difficult day on the job, leave your difficulties at work. If you’re having difficulties at home, don’t bring them to the workplace. 20. Consider the Problem of Addiction: Many forms of difficult behavior are nothing more than manifestations of addictive behavior. Addiction should be considered a treatable disease, and the addict should be encouraged to seek treatment. Treatment will not be effective, however, unless the addicted person genuinely wants to be treated. 21. Do Forgive: If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive those who have hurt you, you’re hurting yourself more than you’re hurting anyone else. But remember: forgiveness should not be confused with enabling. Even after you’ve forgiven the difficult person in your life, you are not compelled to accept continued mistreatment from him or her. 22. If the Difficult Person is Gone, Long Gone, or Dead, Don’t Allow Yourself to Become Stuck in the Past: Perhaps you still ruminate about a person who has long since left your life. If so, such ruminations may be interfering with your happiness today. This moment is as good a time as any to forgive and to move on. 23. Do Get Some Rest: Perhaps you and the person who’s being difficult need more rest. If so, it’s time to turn off the TV, power down the computer, and go to bed an hour earlier each night. Ours is a chronically under-rested society. You probably need about eight hours of sleep each night, and if you’re not getting it, you’re hurting yourself and those around you. 24. Do Live Within Your Means and Expect Those Who Live Under Your Roof to Do Likewise: The stresses of too many bills and too little money will bring unneeded havoc into your family’s life. If you or someone who lives under your roof is overspending, put a stop to this reckless behavior before it wrecks your family. 25. Don’t Let the Media Determine Your Mood: Television networks and talk radio show hosts understand that anger sells. But if you or your loved ones allow yourselves to become saturated with these messages, you’ll become angrier, too. If you invest much time watching reality TV, perhaps it’s time to put down the clicker, pick up a good book, and turn some classical music for background effect. When you do, you’ll discover that Mozart beats Springer hands down. 26. Don’t’ Expect Perfection from the Other Person or from Yourself: If you’re a perfectionist, you’re setting yourself up for chronic disappointments. You should expect other people to behave reasonably and responsibly, but not perfectly. And you have the same expectations of yourself. 27. Do Laugh at the Absurdities of Life: Laughter is medicine for the soul, so take your medicine. 28. Do Create an Environment That Is Peaceful, Productive, Purposeful, and Palatable: If your world is crazy, then perhaps it’s time to consult the person who has done more than anyone else to shape your world. That person is you. No matter how hard you wish upon a star, craziness will not magically vanish from your environment. You must work to extinguish craziness from your world, and you should. And you can. By Criswell Freeman, PsyD. ©2003 |
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